Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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