i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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