Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
