if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
