I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
