what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
