the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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