Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
