I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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