My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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