did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
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If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
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you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening