I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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