He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
