You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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