Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
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The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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