no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
