so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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