the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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