Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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