you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
