Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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