So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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