this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
