i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
