I heard we made out
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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