his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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