oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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