Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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