She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
