if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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