apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
We had to coat check the pizza.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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