I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
