Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
