You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
