i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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