Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
