I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Welp...herpes.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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