Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
