Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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