I didn't shave. On purpose
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
