I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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