Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
