the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
