We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
They took my balls.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
