So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
