so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
