I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
