Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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