The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
