My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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