No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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