im drinking this country out of the recession.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The convent might be a nice break from real life
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
