you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
