Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
