How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
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merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
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I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school