:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
