She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
