i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
